5 Amazing Sex Tricks Every Woman Over 18 Should Know
Married sex? It’s great. You’re attuned to each other’s bodies, and you know exactly what makes your partner weak. (In fact, you’ve done it thousands of times.) And that’s why the usual rev-up-your-sex-life tricks — satin sheets, slinky lingerie, scented massage oils — aren’t wildly relevant for you.
Okay. But somewhere deep in your heart maybe you do miss that first-time excitement. And getting it back is much, much easier than you might think. “Small tweaks will do it,” says Sandra Scantling, Psy.D., a sex therapist in Hartford, Connecticut, and author of Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Sex. “By altering one movement or thought, by looking for tiny differences in taste, touch, sound or smell, we can refresh the familiar and revitalize our sex lives.”
We’ve got some suggestions here. Some of them may seem a bit odd; some may seem too tiny to matter. But none of them requires years of study in the tantric arts or even batteries. And all of them have the potential to rock your happily married world.
1. Boggle Your Own Mind
Here’s a novel idea: Get a novel idea. Anything you do that’s new — anything — can swiftly improve your sex life.
“Something as simple as switching sides of the bed gives the brain a whole new perspective,” Scantling says. “The shift tricks the brain into thinking you’re doing something completely different.”
In other words, it’s mind-bogglingly easy to boggle your own mind: Try lying horizontally across the mattress. Forget lying down and make love sitting up. Forget the bed and do it on the floor. If you usually do it naked, leave on a skirt. Mix up the logistics, and your brain won’t know what hit it.
“We’ve started to make love in the early mornings, something we’d never done before,” says my friend June, 38, who’s been married for seven years. “Maybe it’s the sunlight, but it’s like we’re back in year one.”
One caveat: The new also has to be comfortable. “If your novel ideas make you self-conscious, they won’t work,” Scantling says. “Bringing anxiety to bed is like throwing a bucket of ice water over your libido.” So skip the constricting pirate-wench getup.
Another way to pull a fast one on the brain: Re-imagine your body. No, I don’t mean you should pretend that your tummy is flatter or that your legs go on forever. Instead, imagine that your clitoris goes on forever. It does, actually: The clitoris is not just the half-inch nub you see externally. The nub (a.k.a. the glans) is the tip of the clitoral shaft, which penetrates about an inch into your body before forking into two three-inch prongs called crura. The crura, located beneath the labia, straddle the urethra, vagina and pubic bone. During arousal, the entire organ — from the tip of the glans to the tip of each crura — fills with blood and swells. During orgasm, the organ pulses and contracts. “I’ve found it interesting to think of the clitoris as my own built-in tuning fork,” says Lucille, 34. “When struck, it vibrates perpetually on one single, perfect note. Since I’ve made this mental adjustment, my orgasms really sing.”
Another little trick: Create metaphors in your mind about what you’re doing with your body. If he’s lightly tapping you, imagine that the taps are raindrops, marching soldiers, cat’s feet, chimes — whatever occurs to you. Even if the image isn’t sexual, this mental approach can make the body more responsive. Perhaps the chief benefit is that it takes you away from anxieties about getting to orgasm — or about having sex at all, given crises at home, at work, with the kids. Forcing the brain to do something creative like making a metaphor will root you in your actions — right where you should be — and prevent your mind from wandering far from bed.
2. Awaken Your Sense of Touch
You already know how to rub each other the right way. But have you considered that there may be many right ways to rub? Where once you stroked, now squeeze. Forgo the pinch for a poke. “Test your partner’s response in a handful of ways, not just one,” says Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D., a sexologist and massage expert in Tucson, Arizona “Instead of using your hands, touch with your tongue, teeth, lips, breath.” Constantly be on a quest for a new spot. If you usually stroke his neck while you kiss, go for the shoulder. Switching your method or territory will also make you pay attention, keeping distractions from ruining the mood. “Instead of kissing, we ran our fingers along each other’s lips,” says my pal Mary, 32, married two years. “My lips were much more sensitive to touch than to a kiss. I got a real jolt from it.”
Next, take touch to a higher plane — or plate. “At the base of the spine, there’s a bony plate called the sacrum,” says Michael Reed Gach, Ph.D., author of Acupressure for Lovers and founder of the Acupressure Institute in Berkeley, California. “In the bone structure of the sacrum, there are little hollows. If you massage those hollows (there are 16 acupressure points in the area) you will open up your partner’s sexual energy, and make him more sexually alive — in a word, horny.”
Using your thumb, root around for the little dips in the area above the butt crack, near the tailbone. Once you find a dent, lean into it using your body weight, not muscle strength. Move in slow motion. Or, to hit all the points at once, put your wrists together, place the heels of your hands on the sacrum and lean in with your body weight as if your hands were pressing straight down into his genitals. Then switch places and let your husband do the same to you. “Professional massage therapists can press the points, but lovers can kiss them, lick them or suck them,” Gach says. “Suction can be a real rush.”
“I have to admit that when my husband first focused on the sacrum, I was rather doubtful,” says Lucille (she of the tuning-fork clitoris). “The deep massage he gave me, however, was as relaxing as it was arousing, and the sex that followed was hot.”
3. Wait to Exhale
Breathing is for lovers. “The key is to breathe in unison with your partner,” Stubbs says. “A simple method is to lie in the spoon position, with the man behind the woman. This can be before, during or after intercourse. He puts his arm around her so his hand rests on her chest or abdomen. She takes long, slow, deep breaths, and he follows her.” Once the two of you are breathing in unison, you should feel a greater love connection.”You could see this as ceremonial, the way to shift into ‘we are here together now,’ ” Stubbs says.
Another breathing-as-one position is a bit more complicated. “You both sit on the bed with your legs crossed, facing each other,” Stubbs says. “His right hand goes on your heart, your right hand on his heart; your left hand covering his right, his left covering your right. Then begin breathing in unison while gazing into each other’s eyes.” Gaze, gaze, gaze; breathe, breathe, breathe. Stubbs says that if you do it long and hard enough, your partner’s face will begin to change. “This level of connectedness is foreign to our culture. We can’t sit and breathe and stare in silence. We start moving and talking,” he says. When you try this position, remember to “let your love flow from eyes to hand to heart. Let your soul see his soul,” he says. Or break down in a fit of giggles — laughter is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Experiment with your own breathing, too. During orgasm, try holding your breath: Breathe in sharply, then hold, then (if you can) exhale slowly while climaxing. A moan or groan will serve the same purpose, i.e., making the orgasm seem to last a few seconds longer. “Coming into an orgasm, try to inhale deeply, as if into the pelvic floor,” Stubbs says. “During orgasm, let it all out. Yell, scream, let the body be expressive.”
4. Try an Enticing New Angle
Your sexual repertoire has probably winnowed itself down over the years into a handful of comfortable, familiar positions for intercourse and foreplay. Comfort is key. But you can make subtle improvements on the positions that you already know and love.
Start by revamping some foreplay postures. Instead of lying side by side, lie down with your husband sitting cross-legged at your hip. He places one hand on the top of your head and one hand on your genitals, which he strokes gently. “This connects the energy between the first [pelvic] and seventh [head] chakras, creating a surge up and down the body that’s both exciting and calming,” says Stubbs, who is also the author of Secret Sexual Positions. Your husband will enjoy the view, and you’ll get a head and genital massage. Then trade places. Instead of reclining on a bed or couch while performing oral sex, move the party into the middle of a room. He stands; you sit or kneel on the floor. Having nothing to lean on can be torturously erotic for him, and you’ll feel well-grounded at his feet (and, when you switch places, vice versa)
On to intercourse improvements: Instead of lying on top of you, your husband kneels upright while holding your feet. Your knees are bent, and your thighs are pressed against your chest. You’ll be able to move without his weight on top of you. (A plus: Having your feet held during intercourse is pretty sensual.) Also, grab a pillow. “Don’t position it under the butt — that’s too soft and you’ll just sink,” Stubbs says. “Place it under the sacrum. This will lift the pelvis and change the angle of penetration.” Experiment with sizes and stuffings (down pillows are great for sleeping, not for sex).
To improve the woman-on-top position, ask your husband to sit in a chair. Straddle him, putting your thighs over the arms of the chair. Or sit on his lap, your back against his chest. Both ways, his hands will be free.
Finally, try life on the edge — of the bed. Ask him to stand while you lie back on the bed, your tush at the edge. Rest your ankles on his shoulders. Use your pillow collection or a phone book to adjust for height (the bed might be low, he might be too short, etc.). Or you can lie facedown, your legs sticking out over the edge of the bed (he can hold up your thighs), or place your feet on the floor (good for leverage) as he enters from the rear. The X-rated flavor of this position will be especially thrilling for him and, thusly, for you.
5. Learn the Words He Wants to Hear
Women should use their mouths in every possible way during sex. So speak up. I don’t mean abusive talk or barking out a list of instructions like a drill sergeant. The words that excite men the most are spoken clearly and sweetly. “Women can learn to set the pace,” says Linda Banner, a sex therapist in San Jose, California. “Men are very goal-oriented. They’re driven to orgasm. If women can find a way to communicate the concept ‘Slow down,’ they’ll have more foreplay, and men will be happy to give their wives what they want. Present your request in a positive way,” adds Banner, “as in, ‘Let’s do more of that.’ This is a big turn-on to guys.”
Don’t just talk — get mushy. It will come in especially handy as you both get older. According to Banner’s research, men’s sexual arousal apparatus starts to change at age 40. The visual cues that once guaranteed a man’s stimulation — images of naked women in sexually explicit poses — eventually become (nearly) ineffective. “We are animals, and at 40, human males don’t need to produce as much testosterone,” Banner says. “They go through andropause, much like our menopause, but 10 years earlier. Since men aren’t expecting a change, they often panic when the visual cues fail. The panic can cause erectile dysfunction.” Even more shocking: After andropause, men are stimulated by romance and communication. “Being comfortable and connected to a partner is what does it,” Banner says. “Emotional arousal happens.”
That’s right, readers. After 40, men become women. Start getting ready now — try these three phrases on him tonight: “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen,” “You are the joy of my life,” and “I’ll never get tired of making love to you.” You may proceed to have the greatest sex you’ve had in years — and some serious cuddling afterward, to boot.